Nine tips for the ‘sandwich generation’
What Can I Do for Mom and Dad?
By Marcia Futterman Brodie
People call me the poster child for the “sandwich generation.” I had no idea what that meant seven years ago, but now I have to agree: I fit the bill.
In 2002, while I was planning my second marriage at 43, my father had his first of several strokes. I drove to my hometown, where my parents still lived, to help my mom. I never left.;
The complications from Dad’s stroke, combined with dementia, progressively got worse. Then Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, which has ravaged her body, although her mind is still pretty sharp.
In the midst of this turmoil, my husband and I adopted a child from China, Jemma. She has been our greatest joy and gift and was how I became part of the “sandwich generation.”
The bottom fell out when Dad had a stroke that was so severe, it forced my three brothers (all living outside the area) and me to make the heart-wrenching decision to put Dad in a nursing home. As Mom’s disease progressed, she had to be put into the same nursing home as Dad.
Those decisions changed everything we had previously known to be normal.
The upside is that life is somewhat more stable and predictable these days. I know where Mom and Dad are at all times and know they are safe. Although I know they will never be able to live on their own again, the great equalizer is that my daughter, now five, is thriving. I live in two extremely different worlds.
Over the last seven years, I have made many mistakes and have learned volumes. Although not an expert, I have come up with what I think are some solid tips for managing the “adult” side of the “sandwich” responsibilities:
Nine tips for the ‘sandwich generation’
1. If you think something is wrong, something probably is.
Are you seeing dents in your parent’s car? Have you noticed a change in behavior? Is one of your parents sleeping more than normal? You do not have to react to any of these things; just note them. You can document changes so that when you see a professional with your parents, you can share these changes and look for patterns.
2. Try to manage, not fix.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot fix what ails someone; you can only try to make that person more comfortable and safe.
3. Build relationships with health care professionals.
Go to as many doctor appointments with your aging parent as possible. If there comes a time when your parents can no longer communicate effectively on their own, you can be their advocate because you have been there all along.
4. Appreciate what caregivers do with words of thanks, but do not become best buddies and “family members.”
There is a fine line between employee and friend. As an employer, you may have to give difficult feedback to a caregiver. Once you are a friend, that becomes much harder.
5. Give yourself permission to become angry, tired and resentful.
It is normal. Give yourself a chance to express how you feel to a spouse, a friend or a therapist and then move on.
6. Celebrate the funny stuff.
I have so many funny stories about some of our experiences. They are priceless moments, and they give me permission to laugh.
7. Write down the softer moments.
No matter what happens to your parents, you have to remember the lovely times you have, no matter how small or infrequent.
8. Give yourself a break.
It is an old saying, but you can’t take care of others unless you take care of yourself. Whatever makes you feel happy and relaxed, do it on a daily basis. It can make a huge difference.
9. Seek legal counsel, before the other shoe drops.
It is a great idea to see an attorney who knows and understands elder law. If you can get your parents’ affairs in order before their health declines, it will make the process easier.
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