Beginning the conversation with Mom and Dad

Mary MacKercher never imagined that she would have to spend time in court, providing testimony in a case involving her elderly parents. She’s travelled from her home in Northern Virginia more than once to attend court in Richmond.

“We have had a number of safety issues that have caused us to change our role with our parents,” she explained. “People have scammed them out of money. In one way or another, they ended up being victimized by elder fraud that has resulted in at least two cases.”

MacKercher’s mother is 89; her father is 90. She and her brother started talking to their parents about the possibility of moving to a retirement community four years ago but they refuse to leave the home they built.

“They have been very independent all their lives,” MacKercher says. “They don’t want to live in a group setting and have someone waiting on them because they feel if they don’t have responsibilities they won’t be as self-sufficient.”

Baby boomers, like MacKercher, concerned about their parents’ ability to care for themselves often don’t know when or how to broach the fragile subject.

“It’s never too soon to talk with your parents,” says Janina Bognar, care management coordinator at Jewish Family Services. “You always want to have the talk before a crisis. If you’re in the middle of a crisis, it’s hard to get it done.”

MacKercher had clear indications that something was amiss with her parents but not everyone does. There are red flags to look for such as noticing that your parents’ bills aren’t being paid, their house is not as neat as it once was or that they have no food in the refrigerator.

“Look for general changes in the home or the environment,” suggests Bognar. “If they are still driving, they may be getting in multiple fender benders, for example.”

Before starting a conversation with your parents, do your research. Check out different resources and retirement communities.

“You want to get a feel for the comfort level in different communities,” says Sally Sperberg, executive director of Spring Arbor of Salisbury, an assisted living community in Midlothian. “Find out what the community offers and its accountability as far as its responsibility to the resident and family.”
 
 

When it’s time to have the conversation with your parents, do it in a caring, gentle manner.

“You want to start off slowly,” Bognar says. “You might ask them if they have thought about where they would like to live if they couldn’t live at home. You want to plant the idea. Don’t force it.”

Every situation is different. “Your approach has to be tailored to your family,” says Karen Wassem, administrator of Meadow Glen of Richmond, an assisted living community. 

Wassem recommends that adult children talk with their family physician about their parents’ health needs. “He or she knows mom or dad. If they are looking for guidance from another person, their physician is an important source.”

Millie Hewett used that advice two years ago to encourage her 92-year-old mother to move to Spring Arbor of Salisbury after suffering a fall in the bathroom of her apartment. “We have a typical mother/daughter relationship,” she says. “I knew she could say no to me but not to her doctor.”

Hewett’s mother had moved to the Richmond area from Virginia Beach 10 years ago when she was 84 at the urging of her family. She had originally opposed the idea. “She didn’t want to leave home,” Hewett says.

After her fall two years ago, she agreed to go to Spring Arbor for two months. “Her confidence level was shaken after the fall,” Hewett says, noting that the two months has turned into two years. “My mother thought she was giving up her independence [by moving into the assisted living facility] but it had the opposite effect. She embraced it and now has good friends there.”

Whenever you talk with your parents, it’s good to give them options. “You may have to start with home care and transition to assisted living. A lot has to do with how you approach them,” says Janet Faraone, president of Senior Solutions of Richmond, a non-medical homecare agency. “You don’t want them to feel like they are a burden.”

Many elderly parents feel as though they will lose their independence if they move from their home. “It’s really scary,” says Bognar. “They may be thinking, ‘Are they trying to kick me out of my house? Why are they trying to take over my life?’ They don’t understand their deficits and that they may need help.”

MacKercher is still trying to convince her parents to move. “We have accelerated our role,” she says, adding that they do have someone from Senior Solutions checking on their parents twice a week. “We’re making slow progress.”