To Wed or Not to Wed

Articles from Boomer Magazine in Richmond, VA

Dear Fran,

I can’t believe I need to write this question. I am 65 years old and have three adult children. I have been dating a wonderful man for more than five years, and now we want to join our lives. My children and grandchildren all love him, and a couple of my grandchildren even call him “Pops.”

He and I have both been widowed and really don’t see the need to get married again. He and I are independent and believed we’d be married only once. Two of my children are fine with this, but my daughter, who has two young children, is beside herself. She said that if we just live together she will not allow my two grandchildren to come to our house.

I can’t believe how controlling she is being! I never try to get in the way of her happiness, and now she is giving me this ultimatum, so I have to make a choice.

Do I choose the man I love and the decision we are comfortable with, but lose contact with my grandchildren, or do I let my 30-year-old daughter control me and get married so that she will allow my own grandchildren in my house? At 65, shouldn’t I be able to decide whether I want to get married? — Helen

Dear Helen,

First of all, congratulations on finding a good relationship with a man you love. I know it is often difficult after being widowed to open up your heart to another. I also suspect that you raised your three children in a loving home with strong values.

It seems as if your daughter is focusing on her role as mother and believes that her stance is an attempt to impart strong values. Your daughter may have a simplistic view of marriage and not realize that it can be different when it is a second marriage, especially when you’ve been widowed. She may not understand issues of loyalty to your first husband and how partnership can change as you get older.

I’d talk to her, explaining your feelings and values while letting her know that you certainly aren’t trying to interfere with the values she is trying to teach her children. Perhaps you can come to a higher level of mutual understanding.

If her position doesn’t change, you and your partner can decide whether that will impact the way you go forward. You may not agree with your daughter at this point, but I bet it was good parenting you provided that helped make her strong enough to stand up for what she believes in.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

— Fran

Fran Marmor, LCSW, has been a psychotherapist for more than 20 years. She writes for Boomer from Fort Collins, Colo. Reach her at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .