An Imminent Death

Articles from Boomer Magazine in Richmond, VA

Dear Fran,

I doubt you can help me. I doubt anyone can. Last week my husband was diagnosed with cancer. He has been a physician for over 30 years and has always been healthy. He went for a routine physical, and the blood work showed a rare blood cancer I can’t even pronounce.

I cannot even imagine life without him and don’t want to. I can’t even move when I think about it. My husband tells me he can live up to a year or two with treatment. He’s trying to remain positive, but I know he’s as devastated as I am. We haven’t told our kids yet. Can I get through this nightmare? Does anyone? — Carol

Dear Carol,

It’s clear that you truly love your husband, and I am sincerely sorry that you both are going through such an incredibly difficult time. You are dealing with intense grief — grief over the loss of your husband’s health and the loss of the dreams for your future. Although every human being must experience grief, when we are faced with it, we realize there was no real preparation.

Time is limited for all of us. We rarely know how limited it is, and time is often taken for granted. I am sure you and your family will no longer take a single moment for granted. I think you should tell your children as soon as possible so that they, too, have the gift of realizing how valuable every day with their father is. Often it is incredibly helpful for the entire family to speak to a religious or spiritual leader.

But by far the best way to face this reality is to keep your focus on the present so that you can appreciate every moment together. Work with your husband on deciding what you’d like to do while he’s feeling OK, and start to do those things. It’s understandable that you feel paralyzed by the sadness and anxiety of imagining life without him. Anticipation is almost always worse than reality. You’ll undoubtedly be stronger than you imagine.

Grief comes in stages, and because you passed through denial so quickly, I think you are more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Think of other times you thought a situation was too difficult for you to handle, but you lived through it. Continue to love your husband, be there for each other during this very difficult time, and you will also live through this, graciously and without regrets. — Love, Fran