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Sometimes you have to get away from heavy drinkers
By Fran Marmor
Dear Fran,
I feel guilty writing to you about my husband. He is a good man, but I don’t know what to do about this problem. He has always liked alcohol, but he didn’t drink that often, because he seemed to know he couldn’t control it very well. But now, after turning 50, it seems he’s been drinking more often, and when he does he doesn’t seem to know when to stop. He gets really loud when he drinks, slurs his words and then passes out.
When I talk to him about it, he gets defensive and tells me my nagging makes him drink even more. I doubt he’s a real alcoholic, because he doesn’t need a drink every night or even every week. But when he does, I never know how much it will be. I rarely drink, and when I do it is always just one glass of wine. My husband’s drinking scares me because I don’t know how I can deal with it if it gets worse. It can be so embarrassing. Please help! — Liana
Dear Liana,
You sound like you love your husband, and your concern is valid. Please don’t feel guilty about reaching out for help. While we don’t really know whether your husband is an alcoholic, one thing many people don’t realize is that alcoholics don’t necessarily drink more frequently than people without alcoholism.
Someone with the disease of alcoholism cannot predict how much he or she will drink, while someone without alcoholism can. People with alcoholism metabolize alcohol differently than you or I. Sometimes they can have one drink, but other times they just can’t stop drinking regardless of how much they may want or intend to.
As with any issue, we can never solve a problem for someone else; that person must want to work on it, and it sounds as if your husband isn’t ready. However, you can change how it affects you.
You can choose to not be around him when he drinks because it makes you anxious or unsafe, and that is not good for you. You can tell him that you understand he doesn’t want you to comment on his drinking and you will stop. Then you can tell him that because you are not comfortable around him when he drinks, you will try to be apart from him when he does.
Remind him that you love him and love his company when he isn’t drinking. You can’t control his drinking, but he can’t control where you are when he is drinking.
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Fran Marmor, LSCW, has been a psychotherapist for more than 20 years, seeing clients ranging in age from 7 to 87. She has a private practice in the Fredericksburg, Virginia area.
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