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Create your own happiness
by Fran Marmor, The Boomer's Therapist
Dear Fran,
I do not like to whine or complain, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about how unfair things are. I hate the “woe is me” attitude toward life, and have always believed that if I worked hard and did what I was supposed to, things would be just fine. I have worked in the same office for over 25 years and looked forward to the time when I could retire. Imagining travel and adventure, instead of the drudgery of work, got me through some bad times. But now, I’ll be lucky if I can afford to retire by the time I’m 80 years old! I don’t even bother to look at my retirement account anymore. How can I stop feeling sorry for myself and being so envious of my friends who talk about how great this next chapter of their life will be? - Liana
Dear Liana,
I can’t even begin to tell you how many people are in the exact situation you describe. Recently, so many of my clients say they feel resentful and trapped when they try to plan for retirement. They speak of feeling betrayed because they followed the rules, did everything right, and now the game seems to have changed. It often seems like the world is changing faster than we are. We can’t use the generation before us as a model for what we can expect. Keep in mind that there are always forces at work beyond our control, and that we must always be thankful for what we do have, especially the intangibles: relationships, health, wisdom. Security now seems to be something we create for ourselves, not something provided for us. Costs for necessities keep going up while real estate values and retirement accounts are going down.
It can make us feel helpless and depressed if we let it. But, just like we must create our own security, now more than ever we must also create our own happiness. That can be both a challenge and an opportunity. Maybe the next chapter for you won’t include leaving your job, but it could include taking better care of yourself, reaching out more to friends and family or taking classes. Try to set goals that you have control over so you won’t feel at the mercy of a company’s benefits, the economy or anything else beyond your control. I understand how easy it is to fall into the habit of being envious of others. I wouldn’t be surprised if your friends may even be envious of an aspect of your life. People so often compare the worst aspect of their life with the best aspect of someone else’s. No one feels good when they do that.
Make it a priority to be kinder to yourself. Just try to focus on making this next chapter of your life more about retiring some of those habits that don’t work for you. That will help make it a great retirement. Good luck! – Fran
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Fran Marmor, LCSW, has been a psychotherapist for more than 20 years. She recently moved from Colorado to Virginia.
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